Bruce Hoby: American Honky
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org As my bumper sticker says "No fat chicks."
I look you up and down. I do the Dew all day. I oogle every woman and I talk to her tits. I listen to conservative radio talk shows. I bowl in three leagues. I snap into a Slim Jim. I own shitty rental property. My jokes are dirty. I lay shingles and easy women. Dale Earnhardt? I cried. I shit you not. Someday I'll win the lottery. I pee on the rim. I like porn. I never say please and I'm never sorry.
I cut you off at the intersection. I work at the plant. I watch "Springer" in the break room. I laugh loudly in quiet places. I wear shades everywhere. Hear the flatulent rumble of my late model sedan. I ride high in a new 4x4. I'm on your ass slow poke. Me and my Polaris cut through your backyard. On the gas and kickin' ass.
My boat is loud and scares fish. I smoke in the doorway. I'm a late night shopper at Wal-Mart. I sell used cars. I know too much about military hardware. Have you thought about Am-Way? Some of us think you need to be saved.
Conduct and Values
I refer to black people as "colored people" just like gramdpa used to.
I empty the overflowing ash tray of my 1989 Grand Am in a Walmart parking lot stall.
Every couple of weeks I describe to my coworkers, in chronological order, all the cars and video game systems I've owned. I usually start with the '78 Chevy Nova or Pong.
I always mention the nationality of all non-white people I'm talking about. Not that I'm prejudice of course.
During a discussion I always attempt to mention someone I know who has better experiences or better material possessions than the person I'm talking to.
During face to face conversations, I occasionally dig in my ear with a house key. I look at the end of the key to gauge its effectiveness.
I have chosen the ski-doo personal watercraft over purchasing braces for my 13-year-old daughter. My brother bought one last year and I knew we needed one too.
I'm gunna get shit faced tonight because its payday.
At times I swirl my pinky several times around the inside of my nose while I'm talking to somebody. It's usually not any one important and they don't notice much anyway.
I leave my three-year-old in the car while I purchase a gun. Don't worry he'll stay warm - the car is running.
Every couple of months I tell my coworkers how I out ran the highway patrol once. Really. No lie.
All the asshole cops in my town somehow know my name.
When I'm working in the garage with my pals I encourage the ABF rule. A - Always, B - Be, F-Farting. (One must not forget to critique. FWEEEEEET! Ooooh! I think I shit my pants.)
I don't remember driving home from the bar last Friday. I guess I'm a pretty good driver.
I blow burps across the room because it's funny.
The police don't understand that my wife starts the arguments and I have to finish them.
I like to tell people what I heard on Howard Stern today.
I get loaded and play "air guitar" to "Free Bird" at the bar once in a while. Not long after I usually get laid.
Though I own four televisions, I like to watch WWF smack down on the 52" rear projection. Unfortunately a 60" TV wouldn't fit in my trailer because my overstuffed recliner couch only fits one way.
For me a twelve pack of Ice House is what keeps me interested in mile 5 through mile 495 of a NASCAR 500 race.
After a long week on the used car lot, I like to fish, hunt or golf almost every weekend. My wife on the other hand likes to take care of things around the house and keep an eye on our three small children every weekend.
I keep a screwdriver handy whenever I drink beer alone. One never knows when the urge to shotgun a brewski may occur.
I listen to Fox Country 102 FM "Today's Hot Country Hits". I guess I just got tired of Van Halen and Def Lep. Plus some of those country ballads speak to my sensitive side (I ain't know fag or sissy though).
Jeane Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal literally "kick ass". Why their films never win awards I'll never know.
The final inning of the softball game always cuts into my bar time. I get tired of telling the pitcher to speed it up.
I enjoy smoking a cigarette while riding a bike.
Can you relate to me and my minion of honky
I spend more time buying lottery tickets than pumping gas.
The monthly payment on my F-150 4x4 exceeds the monthly payment of my trailer home.
On the way to work, I like to drive my truck 85 mph right up to the rear bumper of compact cars. I do this because I'm an asshole.
God gas prices suck. Maybe we need to kill some camel jockeys to get the prices down again.
My maroon mini-van belongs in the passing lane at any speed.
The doppler effect of "Slim Shady" thumping in my trunk should clue you in that my Clarion APX400.4 amplifier is worth more than the 1984 Chevrolet Monte Carlo it's mounted in. (I use twine to relieve that bumper sag.)
I drive my Christian bumper sticker clad Chevy Caprice very slow like Jesus would.
Drunk drivers always seem to stumble away from fatal car accidents. I protect myself on the road by having a few drinks before I drive.
Upon first site of my
next door neighbor's new truck I told my wife that leasing a
$34,000 4x4 for six years is the right thing to do. She agreed only
if I let her max out the credit card again.
I refer to all Asian made vehicles as "rice burners". It's funny evertime.
My dog Boomer has big nuts. He shits all over the yard and barks at blowing leaves. He's a guard dog and he makes me feel safe.
I like to remind people at work that my personal savior is coming to judge everyone's sorry asses so they better get born again like me or go to hell.
I like to tell those hippie fags next door that recycling is for pussies.
I have no clue that my estranged teenage child is huffing gas and playing with automatic weapons in the garage after school.
I believe, with very few exceptions, that all artists are gay unless they paint ducks and geese and shit like that.
My child's academic failures are the fault of his teachers. My child's athletic failures are his own. I punish accordingly.
I hid the do-it-yourself tattoo on my forearm from my new boss until after the probationary period.
My old matresses belong in the woods.
I eat a lot of pizza because my dishes are always dirty.
I frequent teen porn web sites - I vote for "family values" politicians.
I say "Dittos Rush".
I use the "N" word in reference to those people because they say that word all the time.
Though I live in Minnesota, I do believe the south will indeed do it again. Behold the Confederate flag emblem in the rear window of my truck.
I own more T-shirts with text than books with text.
I wear a day-glow green helmet that matches my snowmobile. (My checker board sleeved jacket is simply smashing. Remember to accessorize, accessorize, accessorize. )
My black Marlboro T-shirt is for special occasions.
$140 Oakley wrap-around sunglasses and a shirt with the sleeves cut off says I'm "Billy Badass".
My hair is getting good in the back.My wife is a shorter version of me from the neck down. Except she tucks her flannel shirt into her sweatpants sometimes. You may have seen us at the mall but you're more likely to see us at Pete's Lanes.
My wife decorates every room in our home with wicker baskets, peach scented candles and wooden plaques with happy sayings. I just ignore that shit.
She collects Precious Moments. She wears Precious Moments.
My girlfriend wore stretch pants that were all tight up around the crotch to her sister's second wedding. She looked hot. I think the groom was even eyeing her up.